


let's be happy

by retrouvaillesz



Series: troubles and jolly tales [1]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Failed Proposal, M/M, also inspired by taylor swift's champagne problems, because i'm a deranged moaswiftie who will take any taylor song and make it about txt, but i'm deranged and a little too obsessed with little women so i wrote this anyway, not beta read sorry in advance, soobin beth yeonjun meg beomgyu amy, taehyun as jo and hueningkai as laurie, the txt little women au that no one ever asked for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:07:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28024458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retrouvaillesz/pseuds/retrouvaillesz
Summary: “You’re good, too,” Kai offers. His voice is sweet and soft, the way it always is, and Taehyun is thankful despite the way he scrunches his nose at Kai’s words.Kai and Taehyun on the Hill, at the very end of their youth.
Relationships: Huening Kai/Kang Taehyun
Series: troubles and jolly tales [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2052891
Comments: 12
Kudos: 35





	let's be happy

“I can’t believe Yeonjun is married now,” Taehyun sighs. “And Beomgyu is going off to Europe… and you, you’re probably going off for a holiday somewhere too, right? You’ve got the freedom to do that now that you’ve graduated,” he remarks, barely disguising the envy in his voice.

The evening spring breeze wraps around Taehyun and Kai as they tread steadily through the overgrown grass, down the hill that’s been their secret place ever since they first stumbled upon it when Kai was hiding from his grandfather. They were breathless, running and laughing, and they figured that the old man would never go down a hill to look for them (the truth was that he knew where they were hiding, but he figured they weren’t worth the trouble).

Taehyun is looking at his feet as he walks, careful not to step on any of the pretty wildflowers in their path, and he can feel Kai looking at him. It’s not unusual, nothing new. Taehyun reckons he catches his best friend looking at him nine out of ten times, and the one time he doesn’t catch him is when he’s ignoring it on purpose.

“What will you do, then?” Kai’s quiet voice asks, and it prompts Taehyun to meet his eyes, just for a brief second. He’s scared of what he’ll see if he lets his gaze linger any second longer.

“Haven’t decided yet,” Taehyun answers, feeling Kai’s eyes shift their attention elsewhere. A small and familiar wave of relief washes over Taehyun before he continues. “Haven’t really thought about it all that much, honestly, I just know I’ll be restless and angry. Soobin thinks I’ll enjoy having some quiet time to myself in the house without Yeonjun or Beomgyu around to bother me, but I’m not like him. Not good like him.”

“You’re good, too,” Kai offers. His voice is sweet and soft, the way it always is, and Taehyun is thankful despite the way he scrunches his nose at Kai’s words.

“Come now, you know me better than that,” Taehyun says. “You know it doesn’t matter to me if I’m good or not anyway. The only thing I really care about is that—there’s just so much out there to see and to learn and to read, but I’m going to be here, the same place I’ve always been, instead of out there.”

“You don’t have to stay here.” Kai’s steps come to a halt, his eyes turning back to Taehyun, but Taehyun ignores it again and keeps walking ahead.

“What do you suggest we do then?” Taehyun asks, light and playful. “Shall we run off and stow away on one of those big ships? Sail somewhere far away from our families and join the pirates like we said we would?”

The ridiculousness of his own words paints a soft smile on Taehyun’s face, and fills him with enough comfort and courage to turn around to face Kai. He wishes he hadn’t.

There’s a strange look on Kai’s face, in his eyes, and it’s not something Taehyun can’t name; rather, it’s something he doesn’t _want_ to name. He’s praying to God and to whoever else out there who might be listening to him that he’s got it all mixed up, that it’s not what he’s expecting, and for a moment, he thinks he might just be over-reacting.

But then Kai takes a deep breath before speaking, and Taehyun feels his reality crashing down.

“Kai, no. Don’t, please.”

“I think we should talk about it,” Kai responds, his voice surprisingly calm. _Or maybe unsurprisingly_ , Taehyun thinks, considering the person who’s been avoiding this conversation isn’t Kai.

“We don’t have to—in fact, I don’t think we should—” Taehyun tries, but it’s no use. Kai—who is always listening to every word Taehyun has to say—isn’t listening to him now.

“You know I’ve loved you ever since I first knew you, Taehyun. I just—I couldn’t help it, you know I couldn’t, not when you’re so good, and kind, and brilliant, and, and I tried to tell you, I tried to show you how I felt in all the years we’ve known each other but you would never let me. So now we’re going to talk about this. I’m telling you, and you’re going to listen and you’re going to give an answer, because I can’t—Taehyun, I really can’t keep going on like this any longer.”

“No, Kai, I can’t—I wanted to, to save you from this, I thought you would understand it, I thought you would understand _why_ —”

“I’ve been at my absolute best, worked hard to make myself better for you—I gave up billiards and all the things you don’t like, I paid more attention and I studied harder, and I waited, hoping you would come to love me even though I’m not nearly good enough—”

“Oh, Kai, you’re so good, too good, even, and I’m—I’m thankful for you, I really am and I always will be, but I don’t—” Taehyun stops, with an exasperated sigh and the feeling that his heart has grown to be the heaviest it’s ever been in his life. “I don’t know why, or how, and I don’t understand it either, but I can’t love you the way you want me to, or the way you deserve to be loved.”

The air is still, and Taehyun can almost feel it growing thick and heavy, the exact same way he can feel an ocean filling up between him and Kai, one that was never there before, and the helplessness that creeps in almost renders him paralyzed.

“You can’t?” Kai asks, and Taehyun wishes he couldn’t read him so well, wishes he couldn’t see the hurt that fills his eyes, wishes he didn’t know that he’s the cause of it. “You can’t love me?”

Taehyun feels trapped, like he’s been cornered into a dead end, and he can’t see a way out. He can’t figure out anything that he can say to undo any of the damage that’s just been done, and he hates it—he’s always been so good with his words, but he can’t seem to find them right now, when he needs them the most.

He doesn’t want to say it, doesn’t want to keep this dreadful conversation going, but he doesn’t have a choice, and there’s no point in biting his tongue anymore. Another heavy sigh leaves his lips as he runs a hand through his already-disheveled hair as he readies himself for the storm to come.

“I do love you, Kai, of course I do, so _so_ much… But not the way you want me to. And I can’t, I can’t change that, I can’t change my feelings and force myself to love you like that and I can’t tell you that I do when I don’t. I can’t lie to you like that. I’m sorry, I’m so terribly sorry, Kai, but I _can’t_.”

“You keep saying you can’t,” Kai chokes out, eyes trained on the ground when Taehyun wishes they were on him. “Don’t you always say that there’s nothing you can’t do?”

Something breaks, cracks open. Taehyun’s not sure if it’s Kai’s heart or his, or maybe it’s both, but he wishes it were the ground underneath him instead. He wishes it would swallow him up and save him and Kai from this terrible thing.

“I guess that’s the one thing I can’t do,” he says, although he wishes he hadn’t.

“Well,” Kai laughs, and it comes out sad and broken and Taehyun wishes that his laugh is the only thing that’s broken. “The one thing _I_ can’t do is—I can’t love anyone else.”

“Don’t say that,” Taehyun cries. “You don’t want that to be true—that _can’t_ be true—”

“It is,” Kai says. “Unfortunately for you, it is.”

“Kai, _listen_ to me. You don’t want to marry me, you don’t, you think you do because that’s you, but you don’t because—because it would be terrible! We would be miserable, _tell me_ you can see that we would be miserable with our—with our stubbornness and—and our—”

“—if you loved me, Taehyun, I would want for nothing.”

_God_. Taehyun has never felt more helpless in his life.

“I can’t,” he says, for the umpteenth time today, in a voice so small and quiet, you wouldn’t know it was his. “I’ve tried to. And I’ve failed.”

“You know everyone expects it, expects us to be married. My grandfather, your family, ” Kai pleads, eyes glistening with tears that won’t fall. “Say yes, Taehyun, say you will marry me and let’s be happy,” he continues, sounding the most dejected he’s ever been, and it drives a dagger through Taehyun’s stomach.

“I can’t bring myself to say yes and mean it,” he says. “I can’t say _yes, I love you, I will marry you_ truly, so I won’t say it at all.”

“Right.”

“You’ll see that I’m right, Kai,” Taehyun tries. “You’ll see just how right I am about this, about us, and what would happen if we married. Eventually you’ll see it and you’ll thank me for this, for saying no and saving you from it.”

“That,” Kai laughs, bitter and like he’s tired of listening to Taehyun. “Doesn’t sound likely, but I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You’ll find someone, Kai—someone good, and lovely, and beautiful, who will make you a fine lover—"

"I love you, Taehyun."

"—and a wonderful match, someone you can take to all your fancy dinners and parties—"

"I love you, Taehyun."

"—and feel nothing but pride for. I wouldn’t, and you know that. I’m restless and angry—"

"I love you, Taehyun."

"—and odd and you would be so embarrassed of me and we’d quarrel—look at us, we’re quarreling even now! I would hate it, I would hate having to be a part of your high society, and you would hate me and my mess and my scribbling, and we would be miserable. We would be so unhappy, and we would wish we never married, and everything would be horrid,” Taehyun finishes, tears pooling in his eyes as he takes a look at his best friend.

Kai is looking right at him, with a gaze so cold it sends shivers down Taehyun’s spine. A moment passes.

Then another.

And another.

Taehyun thinks this is the longest they’ve ever gone without speaking.

“Is there anything more?” Kai finally asks.

“No, nothing more,” Taehyun pauses. “Except maybe—I don’t think I’ll ever marry, Kai. Not now, not ever. I’m happy like this, and I love and care too much for my liberty to be giving it up quickly.”

“Yeah, that sounds just like you, Taehyun,” Kai sighs. “Except I think that you _will_ marry. You _will_ find someone, and you will love and care for them as much as you do your liberty, and then even more so, and you’ll give that up to be with them. You will love them so much that you will live and die for them, because that is you. I know you will, because I know _you_ , and you will marry them and you will be happy with them—and I’ll watch.”

“Kai, please…” Taehyun begs, and he tries to walk back over to Kai, so that he can take his hand and pull him into his arms and make him promise that they are still friends and that they will still be Taehyun and Kai, a pair and not two separate beings—but it feels like trying to swim across an entire ocean, and just as Taehyun thinks he’s reached the shore, it slips out from underneath him.

Kai is walking away, and Taehyun can’t reach him anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> my first ever tyunning fic! sorry that it's angst and it's failed-proposal-angst ...
> 
> kudos and comments are very much appreciated, and you can talk to me on [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/yueliangs)


End file.
